Teengenerate - Smash Hits! (Estrus, 1995)

What if I told you the best strawberry dessert in Tidewater, VA can be found at a sushi restaurant in downtown Suffolk? Taste testers from The Virginian-Pilot recently awarded a near-perfect score of 98 to the Wonton Napoleon. Here's how the newspaper described the sweet treat: "The stacked dessert on a plain white plate combined fried wonton squares dusted with cinnamon sugar, mascarpone mousse, fresh sliced strawberries from Bennetts Creek and a strawberry sauce. The corners of the wontons were bent upward, evoking the image of an Asian tea house." Sensuous statements, for sure, but I have yet to sample the WN. The reason? I'm a cheapskate of the first order. For less than the eight dollars required to wage an after-dinner war at the place that forgot to fry the fish, I can fire my gourmand guns at the nearby Baron's Pub. Meatloaf Mondays! Taco Tuesdays! Burger Wednesdays! Pizza Thursdays! Still, I should set aside a Friday to dig my bayonet into a Wonton Napoleon. People swear it's worth the 45-minute drive from the strip mall-laden lands of Chesapeake and Virginia Beach. Surely, I can manage the two-songs distance between my home and the WN. If those two songs are 96-X playlist poop from bungholes like Muse and 30 Seconds To Mars, however, beware of the inglourious basterd! I'll slice off your goddamn ears for radios and sprinkle them with cinnamon!

What if I told you Teengenerate are the best band that's ever come from Japan? On Smash Hits!, Fink (vox), Fifi (guitar), Sammy (bass) and Shoe (drums) blend tasty ingredients that are every bit as lip-smacking as those found in the WN. Combining the primitivism of '60 garage gods The Sonics, the 24-hour raw power of The Stooges, the 1-2-3-4 spontaneity of the Ramones and the for-ourselves frenzy of punk obscuros, this comp of assorted singles plays like the record collection of Rob Gordon's dreams. Wanna hear boss takes of Aussie greats Fun Things ("Savage") and Radio Birdman ("Burn My Eye")? Your Foster's is waiting at the bar, Mick! Ready to try some UK flavors from The Pretty Things ("Midnight To Six Man") and The Reaction ("Talk Talk Talk Talk")? Mr. Belvedere will be down with your Scotch eggs and black pudding in a jiffy! In the mood for American grub from The Zeros ("Wild Weekend") and Nervous Eaters ("Just Head")? See ya at Nathan's on July 4th, hot dog! Championship vinyl, no doubt.

Quote from Fifi: "I don't think I am a musician. I'm an enthusiastic music fan playing with a bunch of friends. That's it."

Yo, Specs from Suffolk and Lookers from Norfolk: Y'all interested in a tune that'll burn down the house quicker than David Byrne with a blowtorch? Try the Teengen-penned "She's A Dumb" at your next bonfire. G-damn, this scorches! Take the 'Mones with their stoopid fun, drown the Beach Boys fixation in John Stamos' bathtub and add the rehearsal-like quality of a Stooges bootleg. What you get is the biggest berry on T-Gen's Wonton Napoleon. "I Don't Mind" is another juicy fruit worth extracting. If Chuck Berry (Ha!) hiring The Real Kids as his backing band for a free show on the 24th Street stage in VB sounds like a plan, make it come together, Hannibal! The best thing ever from Belgium besides waffles is an incredible punk-rock combo called The Kids. If that band's the main course on a breakfast dish, T-Gen's "Sex Cow" and "Let's Get Hurt" could be the sausage and bacon.

What if I told you that on my way to finally surrender to the Wonton Napoleon, I will play Teengenerate's version of a classic track by The Vibrators? Hell, "Yeah Yeah Yeah"!

-Gunther 8544